i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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