He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
