Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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