Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
this hospital has no fireball
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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