I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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