how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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