his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
