Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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