its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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