i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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