I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You pole danced in your parka.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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