I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
