I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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