Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
