I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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