and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
