I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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