Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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