Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
