Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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