If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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