Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
