I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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