I think I died a long time ago.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My life is pants optional.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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