im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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