i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
True strength comes from lack of pants
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
