My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Will exercising make me less horny?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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