Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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