God, you're like boner-b-gone
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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