i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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