My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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