Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
