Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
