Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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