By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
