i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Randomize
