maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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