I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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