youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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