life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
