I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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