the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I touched a dick in church today
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
