i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
