new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
