my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
