We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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