Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
