I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Randomize
