I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can't put those talents on a resume
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
