Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
