we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
