sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
