Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Randomize
