I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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