i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
